I once met a man who told me that while he was in college, he took a short spout as a vegetarian. He would go months without eating meat but then every now and then he would get a craving that he just couldn't deny. He would roll through a fast food joint, grab a hamburger, and then go park his car in a parking lot and eat it. He said he would feel immense shame and did not want anybody to know that he was eating meat. We of course laughed at the story and I wondered why it was that he was so ashamed. Lots of people eat meat, I said it’s not like he owed anything to anybody. He could be as much of a vegetarian, carnivore, omnivore, or whatever he wanted to be. But from what I gathered, there’s something that hurts us inside when who we want to be, say we are, and are...don’t line up.
I had a similar experience to this when I was in high school. A friend and I decided that we were going to take part in a 24 hour fast together. We would hold each other accountable to the fast and both learn from the experience. So we got together for dinner that night. Afterwards, we went and did something very active. I can’t quite remember what we did, but it was something like playing soccer for an hour or so. After that, we were of course hungry because we were high school boys who had just run around for hours. But we stuck to our word. We both ended up sleeping at his house that night and didn’t get a lot of sleep since we wanted to hang out, stay up late, and watch movies.
The next day we woke up tired and hungry. I left fairly soon because all we could think about is that you are supposed to eat breakfast in the morning, and we were just left to stare at each other, wallowing in our hunger. Tangent, yes I understand that this is not a long time to go without eating in comparison to the rest of the world. But anytime you are purposely skipping meals for “spiritual growth” you tend to think about it and your body starts telling you, ”Hey, this is when we eat!”
I had to go to band practice and ended up having a terrible practice. Everyone in the band made a bunch of popcorn which smelled so good. You always know when somebody in your office is making popcorn because it ruminates throughout the building and you just want to know if you can have some. While everyone laughed and ate their popcorn, I got mad and ended up having a terrible practice and getting mad at my friends in the band. On my way home from practice with about 6 hours left to go in my fast...I couldn’t take it anymore. The McDonald's on the way home might as well have been calling my name. At this point, I wanted everything on the menu and I’m sure I ordered just short of that. I went and ate in my car in the parking lot and felt so much guilt. Why did I feel guilty though? I eat all the time, why was this different than any other time? It’s because it didn’t line up with who I said I would be that day. The next day I saw my friend and he said that he couldn’t make it either and ended up eating way too much as well. We both felt the shame of not living up to who we wanted to be.
I told this story to another friend and he told me that I didn’t fail because the fast was hard. I failed because I didn’t set myself up well. I exercised way more than I should have if I wasn’t going to be giving myself food. I stayed up terribly late and didn’t get a lot of sleep. I then went and surrounded myself by other people who were eating tasty snacks. It wasn’t the fast that was the problem, it was all the other factors that I put around myself. But what ended up happening was I cursed the fast. I cursed the goal. The fast had gotten in my way of eating and enjoying myself. However, I now see that wasn’t the truth. Other factors got in the way of who I said I would be. I understand that sometimes we may not amount up to who we want to be but I think it is important to note at what cost do we find ourselves falling short of our goals. For me, it was running around too much and staying up too late. Perhaps I’d have been willing to compromise my goal for something greater, but looking back, I don’t remember what movie we watched that night and I don’t even remember what game we played. All I remember is that I fell short.
Another goal that I took on about six months ago was in my workout routine. I committed to doing 20 squats per week, starting with just below my body weight, and adding 5 pounds each week. It was always a very miserable process, but the idea was that if I only added 5 pounds a week I could be lifting twice my body weight in just a few months and doing it at 20 reps! If you aren’t familiar with squatting, you can look it up on YouTube and understand that repeating the motion 20 times is grueling on ones body.
Each week I pretty much never wanted to do the squats. I liked being able to say that I had done them and I liked that it made me stronger, but while I was in the middle of them, I thought it was hell. Now, I had a very specific routine I did in order to prepare myself for the 20 reps. I would get to the gym and warm up my legs with some box jumps. Then I would superset hamstring curls and leg extensions at 50 reps each for three sets at a very light weight. This would get my hamstrings and quadriceps nice and fired and ready to work. Then I would head over to the squat rack and do about 5 reps with just the 45 pound bar. Then I would do 5 reps with 95 pounds on the bar, to warm up a bit more. After that I would do 3-4 reps with 135 pounds, just so my body wouldn’t be shocked to go from 95 pounds to 175 and I could feel some weight on my back. At this point I would usually nervously jump and think about how much I didn’t want to do it until I got myself under the bar, lifted and said, “It will be over in a minute. It will be over in a minute. Just keep going, it will be over in a minute. God this is awful.” And I always did it. Except once I failed at 15 reps, but we won’t talk about that. But the key to success wasn’t in just trying for the goal, it came in the preparation. And the preparation was more extensive than when I got to the gym. I had to have something on my stomach. Something with some protein, carbs, and I probably needed some caffeine. And, I needed a good night sleep the night before. You see, I always succeeded (except for once) because I did everything to gear up towards success. I’m sure that if I had gone straight from McDonald's and tried to succeed, I wouldn’t have done it. Which is fine, because nobody else at the gym was doing what I was doing. Nobody expected it of me. But I gave my word, and said that’s who I wanted to be. And your word to who you want to be is important, even if it’s only to yourself.
